Alex Ferrari 0:00
Tell me what your life was like before you died.

Sarah K. Grace 0:08
I was a kid, seven years old. I grew up in South Dakota, tiny town, middle of nowhere, pre-internet, and my nuclear family of origin was very volatile. And to put it mildly, so I didn't necessarily have the safety and the normal structure of a supportive family. And so I was a kid. I was riding around on my little banana seat bike, you know. And one day I went to bed, and the next day I woke up, and I could see it began with auric fields. So for me, it was like you know, you see a street lamp at nighttime, you see the glow around. So I started to kind of see that around people in different colors, and then I began to be able to see disease in people's body. I'm a little kid, man. So I was hoping it would go away, and so that moment at age seven, I can still remember to this day because that was the moment that toxic shame formed, and I was deeply internalizing that something was wrong with me, and then I really tried to shut it down, and I tried to ignore it. It's just challenging when you're just picking up on what I now understand is just sensory input, right? That's coming into my nervous system because I'm wired differently, and there's nothing wrong with that that I know now, but I didn't know that as a kid, and so I really was scared until I became got into EMS. Ultimately, got into EMS, and the energy started working through me, and I could not ignore it any longer. So what happened was, initially in high school, I became an overachiever, and so through exercise and high performance, I kind of stifled it a bit because I started running 10 miles a day, 20 miles, or not 2010, to 12 when I was a teenager in high school still, and I was rhythmically going into a meditative state. At the time, I didn't understand what I was doing. I just knew that if I didn't move my body, I just felt so overwhelmed, and I couldn't. It was really hard for me to be in my body. Now, combine that with the fact that I come from an extremely violent situation, like it was extreme violence, physical violence, psychological violence daily. And so, in addition to being having this high sense perception that I'm trying to physically survive my day-to-day environment, so intensity became very normal for me, and I took initially to overexercising and high achieving. And it was when my mom died; she was diagnosed with cancer, and her diagnosis to death was relatively quick. It was about six months. Now she was a primary teacher for me because she was a primary abuser for me, and I only wanted her love. She was very unwell, mentally unwell, and the physical and psychological attacks really tormented me and set my nervous system up for what I come to understand now how full circle everything is. I took to the 911 system well because I was raised in that environment. So when she died, though, that's really when it was like a linchpin within me because I was only 17. She went had a seizure, so she had non-Hodgkin cancer. She had a seizure at my high school graduation party. She went down next to my cake. I'll forever remember that. That burns in your head. She went down, and that was the last time I ever saw her conscious. And so here I'm from seven to 17, dealing with daily physical attacks, psychological attacks, and then having to do with this, deal with this high sense perception, not feeling understood, feeling outcast, feeling like danger. If I say anything, I'm going to get thrown into a loony bin, and so there was no safety, there was no supportive structure for me whatsoever, and so when she died, it was like a linchpin was pulled, and I just, I spiraled. And for me, it was alcohol, and then into drugs, and promiscuity, and reckless behavior, and smoking, and you know, I was just on my own train of destruction because I was like, screw this crap, like, not into this world. Like, what's the point of this if I'm being bombarded by all this stimulus and I don't have anybody? Nobody's here. No, you know. And so it.

Sarah K. Grace 4:09
Yeah, we went through all of that until I had my overdose in my near-death experience. So it for me, it was just the heightened sense of perception, right? Going into higher states of consciousness, and I went into kind of this floating love bubble. So I had risen up out of my body and expanded. I felt very calm for the very first time. I felt very loved, and there was this nurturing energy that I had just never experienced before. And I was like, "Oh, thank God! You know, I'm good. I'm done. I don't want to go back there. And then I heard a female voice, probably a guide. Some people ask, "Who was it? Could be a guide. Could be my higher self. And she was she was more articulate than I'm going to be. But she's like, "Yeah, we know it's hard. You're not done. And I was like, I was floating. You know, there's fractals. It's golden mandalas. Everything is just. Wonderful, and I hear this, and I'm like, no, no, I'm good, thanks though. And essentially, she showed me through visual. We understand it's been very hard. If you choose to go back, you're actually going to incorporate this and help a lot of people who are like you. And when you're in a heightened state of consciousness, everything makes sense simultaneously. So I'm able to see, hear, and feel everything at the same time, and it's not overwhelming, right? And it just makes sense. And I'm like, oh yeah, of course, cool. And I obviously chose to come back. And when I slammed back into my body, reality sets in, right? Because you're back into duality. You're back into the tangible reality, and I had to crawl over to the phone and dial 911, and that was my first ever experience with 911. And this guy comes, and I'll just never forget him as long as I live, because I'm just like this hot mess on the on the floor, right? I was like 19, and he walks in. He's got his little stethoscope buzz cut, his little glasses. He was just a dick. And I'll never. It was very pivotal for me, though. It was very important because this was my first experience with 911 paramedics, anything. And I remember sitting on that gurney, just feeling like, dude, this is the worst moment of my life. And and I remembered thinking, if I'm ever in a position like that, I'm going to do it differently. I was still closeted, and I was in-you know-I had gone up to college in that area, very lost, very disconnected, no sense of safety, structure, support, no financial help, nothing. And so I had spiraled and hit that that low point. And for me, I went in through the psych evaluation process, and I remember my intuition was very strong about don't you just you know tell them you're depressed and having a hard time, and then get out and go home, and then we'll start start the work. And so I realized that nobody was coming to save me, and man was I mad because coming through everything I came through, surviving everything that I had, I just wanted somebody to come, like you know, help me out, do it for me. And I had a chip on my shoulder, and I was I was angry. I was angry at the world. And when I had that realization, I said, nobody's coming to save you. You have to do this for yourself. Because when I'm in heightened consciousness, everything makes sense. So I'm thinking it's going to be easy. But no, they don't give you a trail map. You still have to do the work. You still have to figure it out when you're back here with normal sense perception, right? And so I just remember like getting real with myself, and I went through about two weeks of just stomping around, being all mad, like you know I shouldn't have to do this, like I I'm owed, you know. And we see this so much in our society, right? Like I'm outraged. Everybody's outraged about everything now, and it's like, well, everything, and it's like, well, that's your outrage. And so, but what I didn't, I didn't realize was it.

Sarah K. Grace 7:48
Well, it took me a couple of weeks, and I finally was like, you can be mad about this all you want to, but the reality is, you still got to do it for yourself. You're the person who's been engaging in these behaviors. You're the person who was doing the drugs, who was doing all the stuff, and you're the person who's gotten yourself to where you are now. So what are you going to do about it? And it was two part for me. One with having to deal with addiction and like hardcore drugs, pretty much everything, and then smoking three packs a day and drinking Everclear straight. Like I'm a go big or go home kind of girl. So I had to physically come off of all of that stuff, but then simultaneously I'm navigating and dealing with this. I hated the high sense perception. I hated the visuals. I hated the knowing. I didn't want to be this way, and so it was two part. I had been doing the drugs because it was the only thing that finally kind of numbed me enough. It took that edge off, right? But it's not conducive or sustainable for health and life, right? And so what I did is I just wrote down kind of like a a little program for myself, and I started. I got to just move my body again because back in high school I was a big runner, and and so I started exercising again, and then kicking alcohol was pretty easy for me. Kicking like the heavy drugs that was that was a thing, and I just like flushed them and did several weeks of hardcore withdrawals by myself. But I knew because I had just-I mean, you can't-if I-if I was to continue that, I would obviously die and stay dead, right? Like, there's nothing else for me there. I turned over Iraq. I had all of the experiences, and you take it where where it is. But ultimately, I cleaned myself up. I was able to stabilize significantly, and then I I left the Midwest and I went to Florida. The more willing you are to just one be authentic with who you are, be true. To me, the most spiritual thing you can possibly do is be real, be authentic. Can we get a high five? Amen to that. And just be you and accept yourself as human. And the spiritual construct of I need to be a certain way and always happy and flowing and etheric. And it's a construct. That's not the reality. You don't. You're not etheric if you get out of bed at two. In the morning to go pee, and you stub your toe. Like you know, that's real. We have reactions, and we have contrasts.