Alex Ferrari 0:00
Tell me what your life was like before you died.

Kelly Sammy 0:08
I grew up in a chaotic family. I had two alcoholic parents and a lot of destruction and breakdown, you know, I literally just navigated life to the next obstacle, and then I could sabotage, and then I got to say, See, see, life. This is what it is. And so it just kind of kept going from there, and that just built up over time, until, you know, the dialog became apparent that I lived with what I called a Plan D, and I didn't know that most people didn't have a plan D or live that way. For me, there was the normal Plans A through C that we all kind of have when destruction or chaos happens. But in my world, Plan D was always an option, and plan D was, I can exit stage left whenever I want, and it is my choice. And I lived with that, with ideation that was always humming in the background. There were a lot of things going on in my life. I was an American who had picked up with a small child. He was 14 months old, my son, when we moved abroad to New Zealand, on this little, tiny island, and I had just gone through a horrific, full blown hysterectomy and a divorce all at once, and part of the divorce agreement that I made with my ex husband was that New Zealand would be a really positive place to raise our son as a single mother as a project manager by trade, and so finding work there with my ex husband, being a New Zealander made sense, and I now look at it and think I was either insane or absolutely brave or something bigger than I had a bigger plan, which we all know was likely the case, and off to New Zealand I went and in that movement, with everything that was going on, it started to create the atmosphere of recognition that other people didn't live with a plan D, because I was starting to have some healthy experiences in life, I met a new partner who was also an American in New Zealand. He and I formed a relationship. Some healthy things started to happen and transpire for me, but as we often know, with depression, anxiety and trauma, if it's untreated, it will resurface, and that's absolutely what started to happen for me at that stage, I was really blessed to have a loving partner who also recognized that I was willing to talk about it, and I put on a brave face, I would just live life normally and happily, and then when everyone went to bed, I would climb in the shower and turn the shower on and sit on the ground and cry. I have empathy for this one, because I'm not her anymore. Don't even know her, but I love her. I love what she went through. And so many people do live that way. They just don't have a name for it like I did. So the the catalyst really was once I started getting healthy. I realized how absolutely unhealthy I was, the irony, the grand paradox, and so then confiding in a loving partner who could hold space for me, I started getting into counseling. That's where things got messy, because I was not someone who'd ever taken medication, and I'm very sensitive, and I'm not a drinker, and they immediately put me on antidepressants and anti anxiety medication and sleeping pills. And so this escalated everything. And I just kept showing back up and saying, I'm getting sicker. The ideation is louder. I was very honest. And they just kept adjusting, adjusting, adjusting. And then one day I went in and they went to adjust, and I heard in my internal dialog, we're done here. That was the final straw. And from that moment, I stopped taking the medication and I started saving it, and all of the sudden this last compression feeling came over me, and poof, I was out of the body above the SUV, looking down at the body, and there was just an awareness of that body moving and very uncomfortable, going through some what looked like very miserable things, but I felt none of it. I didn't feel empathy, I didn't feel regret, I didn't feel shame, I didn't feel sadness, I didn't feel happy. I felt just flat, stoic and just an awareness of what was seeming to transpire like I was watching a TV show of someone I didn't know. So as this popping and crackling went on again, time and space are so weird to talk about, I just have this knowingness is the only way I can describe it, that this felt familiar and safe and that I didn't need to try. And go anywhere, just trust what was happening. And since there wasn't a drive to get back in the body, and there was no curiosity or thoughts about where to go, I don't know how much time I was there, but the next thing I knew, the popping and the crackling intensified again, the sensation of that upward pulling arose again, and then all of a sudden there was this thrust, and I knew I wasn't a body. And all of a sudden I burst into this darkness. I call it the void. Everything was black, and I was all of it. I wasn't something experiencing it. I was it. It was the most loving and beautiful experience I've ever had, and literally, the closest thing I can use to describe it to was the first time I held my son as a baby and looked into his eyes, and I felt that love you just cannot recreate. And it was that times a million, I felt held, I felt loved. Call it God, call it source, call it universe. I just knew that I was it. I wasn't a part of it. I wasn't trying to be near it. I was it. I was all of it. And this expansion, like, you know, imagine a sardine that's been in a can, and that can's been rolled open, and all of a sudden, you know, this floppy, no body energy just expands beyond and you know the recollection is less about what was happening and more about almost the perimeter of it all just becoming open to me. I was space, and as I was feeling the love of all this again, not understanding time and space, the popping and the crackling began again, and I just relaxed into the love of it. And the only thing I can describe is another kind of upward pull to a nobody. And I was thrust into the most beautiful pink I have ever seen. And it you know, I consider myself a creative person. I've tried to recreate that pink. There's no color like it here, and I will just say it is the faintest, most baby soft pink. But I wasn't seeing it. I was it. I was the expression of it, knowing itself. There were these smells I likened to like a gardenia flower, very potent and powerful. But I wasn't smelling them. I was the smell and these choirs, you know, I truly believe it was angelic. You know, I was just it. It wasn't happening for me. I was all of it. And that continued. Again, I don't know how long, no time and space makes sense here, but I just had this again, almost an intuitive knowingness that something was beckoning me, for lack of better terms, and without being a body, without having thoughts yet feeling very familiar and calm, I just, again, just trusted it, and the next thing I knew, I was with that, and for the first time, I had a visual in this experience that wasn't me, and that visual I just knew intuitively was Archangel Gabriel. And growing up Catholic and Catholicism, I do believe that our nde's tend to bring forward things that we feel familiar with in the lifetime. So for me, Catholicism had a lot of beauty, and the angelic realm did, and I just trusted it, and I felt this beckoning. And so there were no words. I was still no body, and as it was moving ahead, I just was moving with it, and I didn't have to guide it. It just intuitively knew what to do. And the next thing I knew, I was in this space. I call it a tomb, or a cave, or, you know, like a mosque, and I was there, and this is often, I think, referred to as a life review. I don't necessarily call it that, because mine was very unique, just like my whole NDE and that all around me, appearing, not being a body, not having thoughts, was just every expression that I had lived for 38 years. But I wasn't watching it. I was reliving it as it was happening. And it was almost like a high five for every experience. There was no that was bad, there was no this is karma, this is sin. It was just almost like celebration. You did that. Look at that. That's amazing, isn't that incredible? And so there was just joy in it peacefulness. It's really interesting, because we're linear beings, and we want to see it translated very linearly. But for me, since 2008 I'm still getting downloads. I had experiences with others in that space that I didn't recollect in that time, that are still coming through, like my great grand. Grandfather, my uncles, who had transitioned ancestors from different timelines, light beings, angels, archangels, ascended masters, Jesus, Mother Mary. It just went on and on and on. They appeared to me, but I was nobody, and no one needed to communicate. It was all just a knowing. Was just a knowing. Completely everything woke up. For me, mine have all always led me back to the love of myself, my true divine nature. They never lead me to. You know, I say birth guy, Bernadette, right? All gods must die. There's only one true master here, and we're a part of it. So each of these expressions has shown up as a guide for me. But there's also an internal knowing that's also part of God, part of source. So how can Jesus be everywhere? Because he's just an internal play running in the dialog of the human being that's never been separate from you at all. Why there's a consistency that there's tunnels and things in these NDEs that we all kind of feel there's some relatable piece to because there's no separation. If you say oneness, yeah, yeah, yeah, you're already off the mark. You're already off of it. Your mental capacity has gone to something mystical mine, didn't. I kept being pulled back to myself, but the only thing I want from you is love. I just want to recognize you as you are. It's that simple. So I guess what I'm saying is earnestness seems to be the only thing I can say that feels like it's my responsibility. And I'll say a little more to that, because I think it's really important like anyone else at the end of the day, and I know everyone on this path will say that, but you can't go back, because enough of this is unraveled now that there is an internal calling home within each of us, and that earnestness just seems to grab a hold, that robotic knowingness that there's more fulfillment here than there is out there. And to me, my relationships are far more intimate and fulfilling now, because I fill that cup first. But absolutely there's a restlessness inside of us, the ego wants to keep pulling us into the game.