How to Create Calmfidence in Yourself with Patricia Stark

Patricia Stark works on both sides of the camera & stage as a Media Trainer, Public Speaking Trainer, Certified Body Language Specialist and Calmfidence® Coach. She appears regularly as a Guest TV Communication Expert & Lifestyle Expert and sought after keynote speaker.

Her new book is Calmfidence: How to Trust Yourself, Tame Your Inner Critic, and Shine in Any Spotlight

Learn how to communicate inside and out with calm, confidence, and self-love no matter the circumstances.
After years of struggling with communication in school, business, and public, Patricia Stark achieved this state of “Calmfidence” not through some single moment of revelation but through years of small insights, “aha” moments, and constant practice. Today, after helping thousands of students and clients find their own voices and abilities, Stark makes her methods available in Calmfidence―a comprehensive guide to improving communication skills in any social interaction.

Calmfidence gathers a unique set of mental tools and experiential practices for quelling the self-sabotaging habits of the Inner Critic. With warmth and compassion, Stark guides you in how to identify and overcome your blockages to communication, how to react skillfully to strong emotions as they arise, and how to deal with setbacks in your Calmfidence journey without self-judgment.

Here you will learn:

• “Calmfidence boosters”―practices for shoring up your ease and resilience on the spot and in the moment
• Positive daily habits to avoid burnout, exhaustion, and other drains on your Calmfidence
• How to soothe negative inner beliefs around age, body type, unrealistic expectations, and more
• The dos and don’ts of healthy, engaged eye contact
• Why mindfulness of facial expressions and body language is imperative for effective communication
• How to sidestep and eventually erase any fear of public speaking
• Common verbal tics that disrupt public speaking, and how to wean yourself away from them
• Advanced tips for transforming public speaking engagements into memorable, inspiring occasions
• Interview Calmfidence: how to navigate and eventually master one of the most nerve-wracking social exchanges
• Natural, non-intoxicating remedies for soothing ambient stress and restoring balance

You don’t need some rare talent to communicate well. When you engage with the exercises and encouragement in Calmfidence, you’ll learn how to stop surrendering to fear and become the calm and confident communicator who has always been waiting within.

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Follow Along with the Transcript – Episode 045

Alex Ferrari 0:03
I'd like to welcome to the show Patricia Stark. How you doing Patricia?

Patricia Stark 2:11
Thanks. It's so great to be here. Thank you for having me.

Alex Ferrari 2:13
Thank you so much for being on the show. I am excited about calming myself down a little bit and getting a little bit of confidence in my life. And I wanted to have you on the show, because I think it's something that, you know, we on the show, we talk about mind, body and spirit. And the mind is such a critical part of our existence here on this planet. While we're here. While we're looking for spiritual enlightenment, the mind does have something to do with it. And I think calming yourself down a bit. And learning how to calm certain areas of your your mind really will help. So what is confidence, which is your, your trademarked word, which is wonderful. And then when I saw and I saw the little register, I'm like Son of God, why did I think of that?

Patricia Stark 2:58
Yes, well, it was something that kind of came up organically. As I was writing my book, I initially thought that I was going to be writing a book for people who were in the media, public speaking communication skills from that angle of business. And then as I went along, I realized this is what everybody wants. Everyone wants this sense of calm and confidence, whether you're speaking with a contractor on the phone, dealing with an irate customer, or family member, or whatever it may be. And initially the last chapter where I gave all of the natural remedies and mindset exercises, that was entitled confidence because it was a blend of those two words that my clients and students kept asking for. And then it dawned on me, and I was like, No, this is what the whole book should be. So anywhere where I said confidence, I changed it to confidence. And then I knew I wanted to create something larger than the book, I wanted it to be a brand and mindset. And that's when I trademarked the name and all these different categories. So I could do lots of fun stuff with it.

Alex Ferrari 4:01
That's amazing. So it is that combination of confidence and being calm. And I think when you are calm, confidence kind of follows. It's hard to be confident when you're erratic. In many ways. Do you agree with that?

Patricia Stark 4:17
Yes. And I didn't actually answer the real first part of your question about what is confidence? I kind of went into how I ended up using that term. But yeah, the definition of it for me, and you touched on a little bit in your intro is everything happens from within. It's it's the universe internally, where we're speaking to ourselves, how the story that we're telling ourselves, the things that we're visualizing. If you're someone of faith video, you know, there's that saying that kingdom of God is even within everything starts from what's going on, internally first. So, confidence is that sense of I've got this I can trust myself. I can be in charge of my emotions. I can do what it takes To try to think more empowering thoughts and visualize things are going to suit me better than letting that primitive part of my brain go to worst case scenario, panic mode, all these different areas that don't serve us so well anymore, and create this inner thread of self trust and self reliance, where we can control that calm, that in turn, affects our confidence, and all of our outward communication skills and interpersonal skills.

Alex Ferrari 5:32
So I'll use my my own personal journey as an example, for many, many years, I was extremely angry and frustrated as a filmmaker, because I was I've been a filmmaker most of my life. And you know, all artists, things don't go exactly what you plan to this, thank God, they don't, because if not, we'd all crash into a wall. But, but I was always very angry. And I always wondered why I was so angry, and I would hold on to anger. And that would definitely not help me being calm. And I'm generally a very nice, General, funny kind of cordial guy. But then I would have spurts of anger. And then it would come back down, where, and I would hold on to anger sometimes for years, and it really hurt me. So my question to you is, oh, I'll tell you what I've been doing lately. And I'd love to hear your thoughts is, recently I've been more accepting of when I do have a frustration, because life is life. And I have children. So you'd let that frustration come through. But I hold on to it for almost a second or two, and then I let it flow through me, as opposed to stopping it and holding on to it, which is so damaging. And then and then also building it because it can start to snowball out of control. Not that I was an erratic, you know, crazy bastard. But you know what I mean, just within your own world, you could just start talking to yourself, you could start building things up, you're like, Oh, my God, was this or that? What's your experience working with clients on how to, you know, let that kind of flow out. I've been I've been successful with it, you know, recently, and has been just changed my life by doing it.

Patricia Stark 7:11
Yeah, I think you touch on something so important that rather than pushing it away, or saying I shouldn't be this way, I don't want to be this way, whatever that emotion is, by letting it come in acknowledging it, and then working your way through it, it's really the best thing that you can do you we need to acknowledge it, we need to sit with it for a while, we need to understand where it's coming from, and then try to let it move on. And this goes for I'll have people say, Oh, I shouldn't be nervous, I don't want to be nervous. And then it makes them more nervous. And then they're beating themselves up over that. And I work with a lot of performers and talent as well. And a lot of times anger in particular comes from disappointment comes from depression comes from discouragement. And we don't know how to process those or we don't identify it as such. And then we'd get this frustration, this anger that builds up, and then we don't know what to do with it, we try to keep it at bay, and then it explodes on us. Because that's what happens when we don't work through things, right. So it's really a matter of getting in tune with those emotions, letting yourself freely express them. Sometimes it's almost like a sense of mourning, when something we really wanted, doesn't come through or hasn't come through yet, right. And you know, those stages of mourning that everyone has to go through and physicians and psychologists will tell us, you've got to go through all of those stages. And many times when we're dealing with anger or disappointment, we don't look at it the way that we look at morning. But it really is a sense of mourning, and to give ourselves the gift to be able to really fully express it, feel it and not feel bad about it not be apologetic about it, not be embarrassed by it, and working through it. Because, again, you said earlier we all face discouragement and disappointment and things. Because we think they're going to and to let that be okay. And then more importantly, within the midst of that, trying to say Alright, well, maybe this didn't go as planned, or I'm hurt or disappointed or angry here. But what is going right, what do I have to be grateful for? What is some gratitude that I can hold on to and I talked about this in the book where I mentioned to women who passed away very young that I knew in my life at different times. And I've had this really strange experience where I'm going through something similar, like you just described, whether it's a disappointment or frustration or a mourning of something, and I swear they pop into my head when I'm not even thinking about them. And they're like, yeah, well guess what? You still get to be there. You still get to have another shot at something. You still get to wake up and be with your children or take a breath or try to make something happen today. They don't get today and how many famous people artists, amazing, talented, brilliant people that we've all known in history that no longer get to be here. To do any of those things, but you and I get to be here right now.

Alex Ferrari 10:03
Right. And I was trying to tell people and my clients that I work with is, it's okay to feel these things. It's, it's, you shouldn't try to get pushed them away. If you're if someone cuts you off, get angry. If you're if you're an hour delayed you you can get, it's a natural feeling of frustration, because you're trying to control something that is uncontrollable, which also brings a whole other conversation in is what causes most frustrations and anger as you're trying to control a situation or person or thing that you truly have no control over. And me personally, I've started to let go of the control, I've kind of let go of the steering wheel a little bit in my life. But yet, I still, as I like to say I chop wood and carry water, but where the wood and the water go, I kind of let things go a little bit more. And the second, let that go and stop trying to control everything because I'm a director. So as a film director, you gotta like you want control of everything, every little minute thing. But you start letting go of things, even in my work, when I direct, I've started to like, kind of have a guide, have a plan, I understand where I'm going. It's not like a free for all. But if an accident happens, you let it go, if that's happening, to let it go, location gets dropped, wasn't meant to be we're going to go over here, it probably end up better. letting all that stuff go. Do you find all that as well?

Patricia Stark 11:32
100%, a phrase that I hear coming up time and time again, in my own life is this or something better? Sometimes we think what we think is going to be right and good isn't really what is meant for us. And how many times has it happened in your life where you didn't get something something didn't come about. And then you're like, Oh, if that had happened here, or I wouldn't have had this are the times when we fell in love with a home and we were looking for our first home. And we were terribly disappointed when something fell through. And then all of a sudden, when we got the home that we're in now we were like, thank goodness those things fell through, I went through heartbreaking infertility, and we tried for years. And then finally, with some help from technology and wonderful doctors, we were able to have our son and I look at my husband. And I said, this is the combination of that DNA of who our son was supposed to be. It wasn't supposed to be any of those previous combinations. This is the boy that we were supposed to have in our life. And I thank God now for the timing of that, right. And it's even when I work with people that are communicating or public speakers, or they're onstage or an interviewer or in front of the camera. And when you have such a rigid sense of No, I have to say it this way, or it has to be this way, and then you mess up, then it just becomes this big downward spiral, you can't get out of your own way, you're locked into this box. It's just an awful place to be in and then you react and then it's even worse, right? But if we just let things go have that basic structure, like you're talking about, get out of our own way, let things unfold organically the way that maybe whatever your definition is of God or the universe or whatever that frequency is, whatever your thing is, to allow some room for that to get involved. Sometimes when you're let go really magical stuff.

Alex Ferrari 13:22
Oh, I'm sitting here talking to you. I mean, this was not you know, I mean, this is, uh, you know, I have access to, to people like yourself, because I let go and decided to do a show like this, where nothing in my history said that this was a good idea. And I think I mean, spirituality in the film industry. It's they, they like to dabble, but they don't really go deep. So it was something that I really had to come to grips with. But the moment I let go it certain things happen. I was just fascinated by how thing. And then I've just started to apply that to all parts of my life. And as I've been doing, and I've been walking, walking the path by chopping wood and carrying water, things are happening that I never, ever planned. And I always you know, like the old saying is the you know, you make plans and God laughs and it's, it's so true. Because how many times in our life have we wanted to date a certain person, have a certain relationship, get a certain job, buy a certain house. And if we would have gotten everything we actually wanted our lives would have been destroyed or miserable or hardship would have happened, correct?

Patricia Stark 14:33
Me 2% Yeah, I mean, we kind of construct these ideas and images in our mind. And we forget that we use something like 10% of our brain studies show so are we even really thinking to build capacity? Are we even visualizing people capacity? The studies would say no, they're not. So we're actually limiting ourselves when we only want things to be a certain way because there could be such a bigger plan such a bigger path, that we can't even grasp ourselves so we don't get out of our own way. We're not open to that.

Alex Ferrari 15:10
Now, one of the biggest problems I think we as a species has very unique to us, is what many called the monkey brain. The brain that doesn't stop chattering, chatter, chitter. chatter, chatter, chatter. Now, I forgot who said this. It was a quote that I don't know where I remember it from. But it's a fantastic quote says, If you had a person in your life who spoke to you the same way you speak to yourself, you would want them out of your life as fast as possible. And I am absolutely guilty and was guilty of absolute barbaric things I've done to myself mentally, the talk that I did the the abuse, beating myself up over things over the course of my life, that were never constructive. Where do you what how do you calm in your opinion, that monkey mind that kind of chatter, chatter, chatter, negative or not negative? Let's just say, let's just general chatter, and then we'll get into negative talk and things like that.

Patricia Stark 16:11
Yeah, well, certainly we all experience that we're all juggling so many things, you, we're not only constantly telling ourselves a story about ourselves. But we're even interpreting what other people are doing and saying and thinking about us, we're constructing that all in our, in our mind, we're making a lot of stuff up about a lot of things that are really many times not even true. And I also talk about in one of the chapters, the idea of inner critic versus inner coach. So our inner critic is somebody that is in the back of our mind, it's really a scared us, our inner child, our inner defense mechanism, it's trying to protect us, but it's doing it in a very primitive way. And it will talk to us about everything that could be bad, or that's wrong, or that's not right, or that we're not enough, right. But then we now have the ability to also speak to ourselves a certain way. And you mentioned that it's not always that kind. But when we know we have that power, to talk to ourselves, like an inner coach, and we realize our value. And that's hard to do, because a lot of people because they've been beaten up, they've had trouble they've had other human beings, label them and tell them who they are. And to be able to know your own value and speak to yourself as your inner coach and drown out that inner critic is something that we can all accomplish and work toward, and you then decide, I'm going to talk to myself the way that I would talk to a friend, I'm going to talk to myself the way I would mentor someone else that I was trying to help, I'm gonna encourage myself the way that I would encourage someone else. But you know, it's it's a learned optimism, you know, we can be born leaning in the direction of pessimism, we can be in that place because of what's happened to us in our lives. But at some point, we need to come to realize that we're adults now. And the one thing that we do have control of is how we react to things. We can't control what's happening. But we can control how we react. And we can control the story that we're telling ourselves and how we're going to speak to ourselves in a more optimistic, encouraging way. And it's harder, does that take work? Absolutely. It's so easy to be negative and listen to the inner critic takes no effort or energy at all. But it's worth the effort to flip it and talk to yourself as the inner coach and tell that inner critic to go wait their turn in the corner. And I'll talk to you later on when I have time.

Alex Ferrari 18:40
Did you know the story of the cheesecake story? I'm not sure. So the cheesecake story is this, you're at dinner, and it's happened to everybody, you're at dinner, and you've had a full meal, you're stuffed, then the dessert tray comes out. And there's like there's a cheesecake there. And in your mind, your inner voice starts saying it's okay, have a piece. I'll be fine. You work out a little lecture, you do another hour of cardio, you'll be perfectly fine. Enjoy your cheesecake. So then you're like fine, and you eat your cheesecake, then you get home that night. You take your clothes off, and you look in the mirror. And that same voice says you fat pig. How could you have eaten that cheesecake? And it's so fast. And that was the firt when I heard that story, I was like my God. Your mind is that voice inside you is the most wonderful thing and the most evil thing both at the exact same time because it can lift you up. But can it but it can bring you to your knees. It's an extremely it is a struggle that we all have in in in our life in this experience that we're going through that we have to decide what voice Do we want to listen to what kind of control we want to have over that voice. And we many people don't think they have control because they're running off. Instinct like I want this pleasure. I want that pleasure. Like oh main drivers avoid pain, gain pleasure, I mean, that's end of the day, that's all our drivers. So many people just drive off of that. But when you sit back for a minute and start actually analyzing and step back and start viewing it from a distance, you can start choosing how you want to live, and how you want to work with this voice, which will never go away. But it's about how you deal with him or her. We'll be right back after a word from our sponsor. And now back to the show.

Patricia Stark 20:35
Yes, you're 100%, right, and you can hear it, but decide not to take direction from it. And I find that when we talk about monkey brain, and you hear that a lot when people are first learning how to meditate, and some people feel like Oh, it's too hard, I don't know how to do it. Oh, it's all this new age hooey. You know, blah, blah, blah, what it really is, is just giving yourself time to be silent, to try to slow everything down, and to go within. But most people either don't think they can do it, they don't want to be alone, a lot of people want us pounded by as much distraction as possible. Because it's a scary thing to sit alone with yourself. It's a scary thing to go in deep. But that's the only place that you can go to really begin to know yourself, to trust yourself. And to have that silence, where we're not bombarded with all of these distractions, because, you know, I don't want to get off on a whole tangent here of like the power of the law of attraction and like frequency, and all these other things, because everybody has different opinions about that. But what I do know and what I have experienced is, is if you spend time with yourself, really working on your inside, not only what how you're talking to yourself, but what you're visualizing, and what you want to create in your life. And you do that work. Think about anything that you see around you. Everything other than things from nature, was once an idea in someone's mind, our mind is incredibly powerful. But there was so much vying for our attention. There's so many things that want to take our distraction away, and not less realize that incredible, true power that we all have internally, to make amazing things materialize in our lives and in the world.

Alex Ferrari 22:25
Yeah. And I think that brings me to my next question is the power of the story that we tell ourselves. If you and I've gone through the gambit, I've told myself that you're worthless Pisa, you know what, the times you think you are the greatest thing since sliced bread, two different extremes that you should really never go down, when the ego is completely out of control. I know if you work with people in Hollywood, you understand that that never happens. So I've been at both extremes, where you're at the very lowest, lowest, lowest at a very high, high high. And that story that you tell yourself is so powerful, that it does construct your life you are building the world around you. And I know that's hard for a lot of people listening to understand, but you truly are building everything that's around you, you have built good and bad. And you're attracting the good into your life. You're attracting the bad into your life or whatever in a term good or bad is also very, you know, gray area at this point. But you are constructing what you want in your life, and you have a choice. If you are not happy with where you are and you want to go somewhere else. start educating yourself, pick up a book, go go on the internet, if you're listening to this, you obviously have access to the internet, watch some videos, read some books, there's so many ways that you can start bettering yourself or going into the direction you want. But you look no one handed you anything. I'm sure no one has handed me anything in my life. I started off with one little podcast, nobody knew the hell who I was. And almost seven years later, I have two really, really popular podcasts in another space in the filmmaking space. And now I have this podcast which is growing at an exponential rate that I can't even comprehend at this point. But I built I did it my I made it happen. I made it happen myself. So I did. But that was a story I was telling myself. Because originally the story I told myself was like, Oh, you're a filmmaker. You're not an educator. You're not there to help anybody else. You're only there to teach do your own thing. But the moment I switched the story and said no, I'm here to serve. That's when things opened up for me.

Patricia Stark 24:43
And it's the best energy in the whole world. It for sure is you I grew up. We didn't have money. My father worked in a shoe store. My mom worked in a factory. Both my brothers went into the Navy my sister got married and had a family very young and then here I Am Number Four child and I Like, I don't know what to do, and no one was really pushing me to go to college or was even saying that was a good idea. And I started seeing all of my friends going college and I was like, Oh, I think I better do this, you know, and it took me 10 years to pay off my college. You know, I've always had to work for something, it was never handed to me. And I've certainly had my ups and downs of, you know, feeling like a failure feeling like, you know, one day you're feeling like the, you're on top of the world. And the next day, you're like, I suck like, I This is terrible. I mean, even at one of the beginnings of one of the chapters, I quote, David Foster, and he has a famous quote of saying, you know, on Mondays, Tuesdays and Fridays, I think I'm the greatest thing in the whole world and on Wednesdays, and whatever the day is, I didn't just say, I think I'm a failure, and I haven't achieved anything. And then Sunday's I don't think about it at all. And, you know, here's somebody that's achieved amazing, creative, wonderful things. And he even thinks this way. So it is something we all share in common as human beings. And I think it's very hard for people to realize that we have this power at our fingertips. And the thing that always struck me though, over the years was that I became an avid reader of different biographies of successful people, and a lot of personal professional development books. And that's why I ultimately wanted to write one for myself, because they really had a huge impact in my life. And one thing I really was astounded by, in all of these things that I had read was that there were people that came from horrible, tragic backgrounds, or were deprived of different things or just went through things that just made whatever I went through not seem like a big deal, but whatever you're going through is big for whoever you are, right. But anyone that went through things that could have destroyed them could have set them on a path where they really had terrible lives. There's an example in everything where you see someone who overcame it, and ended up on a better side of life, and created wonderful things. So that always struck me I was like, if one person can do that, that means anybody can do it by thinking the right thoughts.

Alex Ferrari 27:08
No, no, no question about it. It is, it is one of the most powerful things you can do is having that that story, you tell because, you know, God, it's so it's so powerful, because I've been like you I've been on both sides I've been on I'm the biggest piece of crap and, and I'm horrible and everything and then you feel like you're on top of the world. And both are very, their delusions, their illusions, if you will, delusions and illusions, sometimes, there has to be a balance between the two. And which brings me to imposter syndrome, which is I didn't know this but rampant in not only the world, but because of my because of my other shows, I've had the pleasure of speaking to extremely high performers, Oscar winners, Emmy winners, and so on. All of them. Every single one of them I always ask and there's like, Oh, absolutely. I had I had the Creator friends and Grayson, Frankie on the other day. And she was like, Oh, I I'm terrified when I have to write I'm like, what you've created like two of the best shows ever. Like your legend. What's wrong? Like? Many other Oscar winners I've talked to they're like, Yeah, I sometimes sit there, I'm on set. And I'm like, any moment I feel security is gonna walk in. And they all they found me out. They found out that I know what I don't know what I'm doing. Can you talk a little bit about imposter syndrome and how we can kind of overcome it?

Patricia Stark 28:34
Yeah, I mean, I go through it myself. When I was first starting to write my book. I was like, Who the heck am I to be an author. I even have a hat hanging up here that says author on it, just so I could wear it to try to convince myself if I mentioned that I went through terrible infertility. When I first walked into a maternity store, and I wasn't showing yet. I looked, I thought everybody's looking at me thinking what is she doing in here? She doesn't? Wow. You know, the first time it's called Mrs. Or Mom, I mean, it was strange things that we all go through. Right. But, you know, as you were talking about imposter syndrome, all these different stories started popping into my head. I mean, I remember reading about Maya Angelou, who wrote 11 books, who was this amazing, wonderful, wise old soul said that she was waiting to find out that, you know, people thought that she was running a game on people. I remember seeing an interview back many years ago with Condoleezza Rice, she said that she'd be around in the Oval Office and be waiting for somebody to be like, Why are you here? You know, I mean, fill in the blank, I could keep going on and on. And I'm sure that you could do with so many stories, but when anybody is trying to do something they haven't done before when they're out of their comfort zone, when they are becoming something that they never thought that they would be or that was possible for them or could still be currently in that still thinking like these people that I just talked about, right? It affects everybody. And I think that the way to combat that is to just know that fact that everyone feels this way at some point or another Maybe a lot. So you're in good company, first of all right. And whenever I start to get that imposter syndrome, whenever I start to get that discomfort and that awkwardness I've gotten used to now the story I'm telling myself is I say, there it is, that means I'm growing again, I'm becoming something I haven't been, something is changing, when it's uncomfortable. That's why they're called Growing Pains, because they're not growing tickles. And what I will also recommend to people, and even myself, and I've had to do this just recently is take a personal inventory before you go into a situation, let yourself see yourself on paper and say, Alright, I have earned a seat at the table. This is why I am able to be here. And when you go about what you said about being of service and giving value, that's a real tipping point that I will tell people, when they get up in front of a stage or in that job interview, are in front of that camera, I'll say, you know, if you're starting to really picture things, and you're starting to get in your head, you're being self focused, which is another word for self centered, guess what you have to do, remember why you're there, you're there to give value to be of service, to take the spotlight from yourself and put it on the people that you're talking to. And if you make your audience be the priority, or the person that you're talking to be the priority, and you're really there to give value and be of service that takes an enormous amount of pressure off of ourselves, puts us in such a different mindset of, you know, I don't have to be perfect. It doesn't have to be how do I look? How do I sound I hope they like me, when you show up. They're wanting to be of help and wanting to be there to do something for others.

Alex Ferrari 31:45
Yeah, and I love that you said this called Growing Pains, not growing tickles, which I will steal from you now. It's fantastic is a great thing, because I always give the analogy is like if you're growing your muscle, you have to tear it down. So any sort of growth, even the growth of a plant through concrete, a plant through dirt, the struggle to grow the it's a struggle, it is not a it's not fun, it is painful, losing, you know, going into losing weight or getting into shape, you're out of your comfort zone, it's going to be painful, reading new getting into new worlds of having a new job, or starting a new company, all these new things, all things new that don't, you're not used to, right are stresses. And that stress that those pressures are what make us stronger, because that's what makes us grow. And I'm sure you have a lot of shrapnel from life. I have a lot of shrapnel from life. And that's what makes I've gone through some terrible things in my life. But they've made me who I am. And it always has like they I wrote a book about my first one. When it really like the darkest times of my life. I wrote a whole book about it. People always asked me they're like, do you do you? Would you change it? And I said no. Because I needed that. In order to become who I am, I can't be the person talking on this microphone. Without going through that pain. Nobody wants pain. We all want butterflies and rainbows all of us. We all just want to you know, relax. There's plenty of money. There's plenty of you living a good life, you get to enjoy yourself. Everybody just wants that. They want peace. And you can't have that to a certain extent. Once you go inward. Once you go inward and start finding out who you truly are inside. That's why you never see a yogi. You know who's worried about this car payment.

Patricia Stark 33:46
Exactly. But before we get into the yogi and that no, I wanted to say something that you said just a little bit ago that made me think of a wonderful quote that has always served me well when things were breaking down or hurt was happening, or fracture was happening. And it is the cracks are where the light gets in.

Alex Ferrari 34:07
roomy, that's roomy.

Patricia Stark 34:09
I just I first time I heard that I was like, what a beautiful way to look at things. It really is just, you know, nobody wants to feel like they have to go through something horrible or when the tragedy happens. No one wants to hear oh, you're gonna grow from this. So that's a good way to grow. You know, it's that's not what you want to hear at that time. And it can be really inappropriate to tell somebody that or even think that way it shows that you're something happens. But studies again show that people that really succeed and really do great things and have that that tenacity and that persistence, and it's usually stems from adversity. You know, even when you don't have adversity. You really don't have to do a lot of effort. You really don't know what is putting the fire under your butt. Not usually a lot. But when you have adversity, and you have to survive, and you have to try to find a way, you know, to get out of this deep, dark place that you're in or overcome something that is so horrible or impactful in your life, and you get to the other side and work your way through adversity, like that's, it just studies just so that so many people that have achieved a lot, it's usually because they experienced adversity, not the opposite.

Alex Ferrari 35:31
Are you familiar with David Goggins? The writer ex Navy SEAL? Like, what was the book the call, oh, God, I forgot his name his book, but he was like, He's considered like the toughest human being on the planet. He went through Navy SEAL training, went to Texas Ranger, he's the only person in the military to ever go through all these specialized trainings and make it through. And they asked them what makes you a Navy SEAL? Like what is the caliber of like, of the human being that gets through, because it's the toughest thing of a human being could go through physically and mentally for that matter. And he says, first day or two, the biggest muscle bound guys gone. They can't can't handle it. The jocks who were the quarterback at the quarterback in high school in college, can't make it. The guys were all tatted up, we're trying to prove something. They don't make it. The guys who make it are the skinny, scrawny guys who have been fighting their entire life adversity on top of adversity. Those are the guys who make it, not these big muscle bound. Because those guys haven't had the same struggles. They've always been blessed genetically, or they've had all these opportunities. It's the ones that struggle that make it into the Navy SEALs, and you just sit there you think about that you're like, makes all the sense in the world, you need that kind of, you need that life shrapnel to go through something like that. Because if you haven't had, if you if your metal hasn't been tested, which is what life is, you've got to be tested constantly. If the metal is not tested, the metal is not strong.

Patricia Stark 37:11
Right, right. 100%. And my father used to say that the sword only gets sharp when it's banged up against the rocks, and you know, all that. And, you know, of course, he plastically say that when I was going through a tough time in my life, or whatever it may be. But yeah, when you go through things, and you get desensitized to certain things, you realize what you can control and what you can't control with that. And that's one great thing about being on the world for a little bit longer than other people might be is that naturally, if you allow it to unfold this way, you do build this natural sense of calm, and internal wisdom and trust and serenity, because you've learned by going through whatever you've gone through, and that's a gift of aging, is to know, that, that that comes with the territory, you know, and to try to, you know, have shortcuts to certain things isn't always the way you know, that it's gonna work, like you said, so that that builds part of that column fidence that we're talking about, you know, when I was younger, and I was really shy, and you know, people would be nasty, or talk down to you or bully you or be condescending, you know, we all have our bully stories. We all have all of those stories over the years and stuff. And I remember when I finally felt confident when I finally liked who I was, and I trusted myself, I said the strangest I always I've always said this to my husband said the strangest thing happened is like those people like don't even show up anymore. Like I would I could remember thinking oh, I hope someone says something to me. I hope someone is nasty. I hope someone does this thing that happened in the past, because now I know how I'm going to respond. or Now I know my value and how I'm gonna stand up for myself. And those people don't even show up any is a different frequency.

Alex Ferrari 39:03
And that's, that's very true. Because, you know, I had a cousin of mine. He, when we were younger, every time he would go to a club, he would get in a fight. And I would go to a club and I never get in a fight. And I'm like, dude, at a certain point. I think you're the common denominator in this situation, man, I think you are attracting this kind of scenario. He's like, I never start the fight. I'm like, Yeah, but you're pulling that energy towards your brother like, because I walk in to a club and never once I've ever gotten to a fight in a club in my entire life when I was younger, and he would get it all the time. So you're absolutely right. You do bring those kinds of energies and when you are when you are super confident or at least confidence if you will. Those kind of people don't generally show up anymore because you could easily dispatch them. If if Be, we'll be right back after a word from our sponsor. And now back to the show.

Patricia Stark 40:11
Yeah, you're right. It's just, they're just not in that energy place, you know, or at least they might be there. And then they don't go there. But it also comes into play when you talk about energy. And you talk about what's happening internally and how it affects in the external around us. That's why I have chapters in the book about nonverbal communication and body language and things like that. Because the story that we're telling inside of ourselves, and the energy and all those things that we're doing, that shows up before we even open our mouths, there's this classic story about this person walking into a bank, and they desperately need some kind of a loan, and they're desperate, and they're all worked up and wired. And they're assuming that they're not going to get what they needed. And before they even get to the desk of the loan officer, that loan officers already made up their mind that they're not giving this money to this person, based on every single thing that has preceded as that person has walked through that door, they smell it, they feel it, it's just this sense, where they know that their money is not going to be in good hands with this person. And yet, you'll have another person that walks in thinking the right thoughts, being calm, thinking to themselves, this is why I'm going to earn the right to be here and to ask for this. And this is how I'm going to use this and blah, blah, before a word is even said, and they will always be received differently by that person on that other end.

Alex Ferrari 41:31
It's so fascinating, because, you know, as I was coming up as a filmmaker, I was I had I like to call like, I had a cologne called desperation on is like Jakar, but desperation, and you could smell the stink off of me. And even if I was on a set, you know, if I had anybody went even to some remote power, you'd go over them, and they could just smell it. And now I smell it when people come to me because they presume I have some sort of power in Hollywood. And it's so funny, because I was early in my career would have killed to have conversations with Oscar winners, big billion dollar producers, actors, all these kind of things. And then now, I have those weekly. And it it's such a different energy, like they actually now come towards they want they want, you know, they want to be on my show. So they come towards me. And I just because I don't want I truly don't want anything from them other than a good conversation. It's but that that's internal convert, that's an internal energy. It's a completely internal energy. It's not like I'm saying, Hey, man, I don't want anything from you. I'm not literally saying that to them. But they sense that you know, and sometimes they'll sit down and talk to me about things they've never talked about publicly. And it's pretty, it's pretty remarkable. I had a quick analogy, which I heard the other day, and I thought it was brilliant. It's going about what we were talking about the stresses and making you stronger. It's like the same boiling water that softens a potato, hard boiled egg. And I was like, Oh, that's good. Because it's the same stress could crush somebody or make them stronger. Yes,

Patricia Stark 43:15
yes, that's great. I heard something similar that somebody said something about electricity. You know, we don't really know how it works. But we don't question it. Right, we just assume that it works. And then the second line was something like, you know, the electricity can cook your meat, but it can also cook the man in the light. So kind of similar, like usages of what you're talking about. But yes, so true. And think of how many times that we're we are literally making up scenarios of what people think of us. Oh, what they're gonna say yes or no about think is, you know, our value or not? Or, you know, just without opening our mouths, right? So if are them even saying anything, is what I'm trying to say? So, but we always, when we do that, when we make those assumptions, and we make things up, it's almost always negative, isn't it? Almost always. So why don't we do the opposite if we're making it up anyway? Why not just assume everybody thinks I'm the best thing since sliced bread, everybody's gonna want to get along with me. And I'm going to want to get along with them. Now, I have one client that I reached out to after I trained a whole bunch of their their people for some videos that we're going to be doing, they produce all these videos every year for their company, and they had me come out to Pennsylvania, then I worked with a whole crew of them. And I thought everything went great. And they seemed really receptive. Everybody made really good progress. And then I didn't hear any feedback. And now a couple of weeks go by we reach out to the girl. Nothing radio silence, right. So now I've been swamped in my mind that they hated everything I did. They were unhappy. Something happened that I didn't realize I said or did something to offend somebody. Something was going on right. Now, of course, I take the stupid step. And this is you know, quite a few years ago and I'm gonna call myself stupid right now because this is one of those moments where I was beating myself up and feeling like and all that So I write an email saying, just happened. I'm so sorry, like, pumping out that I don't even know happened. No one, no one has said a word. Right? She comes, and she gets back about a week later. And she's like, Oh, I'm so sorry. I was on my honeymoon in Hawaii. Hadn't you nothing to do with me? That she's like, we were thrilled we can't have I can't We can't have to wait to have you back again. How many times do we do this to ourselves? Even when we know better, even when we have the knowledge to know, we shouldn't think this way. It's such a human default of a place that we go to, again, you know, in this defense mode, trying to protect ourselves. And it's just, it's just something we all share in common. And it's like a default setting that doesn't serve us well anymore.

Alex Ferrari 45:54
I'm it's so funny. Cuz I mean, I agree with you, 100%. And obviously, when you're dating you decades ago, oh, my, how many relationships were ruined because of the exact scenario like, He's not calling me he's not this or she's not that or this or that. I literally had a call the other day, a text a bit texting back and forth with this person who, you know, want to try to help but they've been kind of like, oh, yeah, I want to do this, but I can't this and that, and I started constructing something in my head. And I come to realize, like, Hey, man, I can't, because I'm getting a divorce. I'm like, I'm in the middle of this really bad divorce. And I had no idea. So it wasn't about me. Or even it wasn't about anything, anything with our relationship, it had to do with something that he was dealing with. And it's so fascinating. Because most of the time, when you walk in a room, no one gives a crap about you, because everyone's dealing with their own crap. They're all telling themselves, their own stories about how you are looking at them.

Patricia Stark 46:56
Right? Yes, everyone is struggling with something. And if you go into any interaction with that, in your mind, think of how differently you're going to approach people they could have differently, you're going to talk to people and how much it's going to get you on the same level of we're both human beings, we're both struggling with something, you may not be talking about it, but we know it's happening. And a lot of people will talk to me about the definition of confidence. Right? And I'll say what I know it isn't, is it's not cockiness, it's not arrogance, because when I see an eye, I'm old enough to know now, and I've seen this so many times in my life, when I see a cocky, arrogant person that's not accessible. That's not reaching out to others. I immediately know that man, are they struggling? Listen, man, are they a compensating for how they really feel about themselves? Right? Because the most confident people I've ever met, are the people that want to build others up. They're always like, How can I help? How can I be of service? What can I do here? And can you get somebody on a bad day? Absolutely. Because again, we're all struggling with something, you know, somebody could have been bombarded with something or so inundated or just had something happen to them, and then you know, you get that one interaction with them. And then you think that they're not a nice person, I always give people a second chance for that reason. Because as much as I know, that really confident, calm, people are usually accessible and, you know, willing to help others. I also know that I got to cut people slack, and that they could be struggling or going through something. So I always at least give them that second chance. The second or third time, if I find that you're not such a nice egg to deal with, and then I just don't include you in

Alex Ferrari 48:34
my plan. Yeah, generally, there's generally there is that going back to energy, like when you when you, I, I'm very, I don't know why I'm been sensitive to this stuff, because I can like when I meet somebody, I talked to so many people on a daily basis and have over the years that I have kind of picked up a sixth sense on people. And a lot of times I can just see the wall, and like the massive wall that is on front of them. And I'm like wow, as an interviewer because I'm not a journalist. I'm just a guy who likes to have a conversation and and let's see what happens having to kind of break down the fences sometimes in that scenario, but in a in a in a social environment. When you meet somebody you can just you can almost feel the heaviness sometimes the like I'm sure everybody listening has said man after I talked to that person wanna take a shower, because you just feel dirty because of their end there's just something about them that they're just something like that. So when you so you know, I had when I you know, when I looked over the book and and I knew I was going to talk to you. I had a preconceived idea of who you are going to be. And this

Patricia Stark 49:52
Tell me what was it?

Alex Ferrari 49:53
Well, obviously someone who has confidence, but when you popped up the second you popped up on my Zoom The energy I picked up right away was is this very confident not cocky. There's a very big difference. A confident person who was there to serve. I picked that up within the first few seconds and is just, and I don't mean, I'm not trying to, you know, stroke your ego or anything, but I hoped for that's Yeah, exactly. So and you know, you're obviously well put together, this is not your first time in front of a camera. But that, but that energy was I was able to pick up right away and I can, I can tell within the first 10 or 15 seconds what kind of conversation we're gonna have. And I already knew just by them, like, Okay, I, this is all internal in my head, it just goes through lightning fast. But that's the energy that I picked up right away. The second, I just saw you like that?

Patricia Stark 50:45
Yeah. Oh, by the way, that conversations, right,

Alex Ferrari 50:49
I try to make people feel comfortable. But and I'm when I'm talking about this out loud in front of everybody for them to hear to listen, because that energy is something that you can project. Now, I don't try to project this energy, you don't try to my to my analysis, don't try to put this energy out there. It is who you are now. And it is who I am now. And it's so much easier to be yourself. And once you understand being yourself, and being comfortable in your own skin, that is the ultimate confidence, because you are who you are, and you know who you are. And people are attracted to that. People are attracted to people who know who they are, who are authentic to themselves. I'm not playing a person on television, you're not playing a person on television. These are not characters we are who we are. And we're honestly trying to be who we are. And I think that's a lesson that everyone listening can learn from our interaction, this little, little thing I was just talking about, because generally these are conversations we have off air, or on air. But I think it's very instructive. In our conversation. Do you agree?

Patricia Stark 52:02
100? Yeah, for sure. It's like trying not trying to be who you think people want you to be? stems from again, going bound down to what's this foundation of how you feel about yourself. If you don't like yourself and love yourself, it's very hard to get there. So we need to start there first, and work on how can I find that if I don't feel good about myself now, if I don't like and love myself, then let that be my life's work? How can I get there, I can remember when my son was growing up. And you know, they don't nobody gives you a manual on how to raise a hole, you're doing the best job. And I can have all kinds of anxiety and worry and everything about is my kid going to be okay. And then, you know, you hear horror stories about kids that don't think the right thoughts and do bad things. And there's terrible tragedies and things like that. And then I remember along the way, when I would check in with my son, I would always say to him, let's get rid of everything else right now. Do you like you? And if his answer was yes, I knew everything was gonna be okay, no matter what we were going through, as long as I knew that, then I knew we could get through whatever was ahead of us. And a lot of people don't like themselves or love themselves

Alex Ferrari 53:21
most say most,

Patricia Stark 53:23
yeah, haven't been, haven't been told, or taught why they should. And there's so much compare and despair. There's so much looking at other people's lives and thinking that everything's so great and maximizing others and minimizing ourselves. And when I speak with young groups and teens and preteens, I will somewhere in my presentation or at the end, I will always say look, look at everybody look at your thumbprint at your fingerprint right now. There is nobody in this entire world that has that fingerprint. So therefore that means that no one can touch the world and touch life the way that you can. Oh, wow, that's good. And to find that value, and know that I know I happen to be a person very strong faith. So I know where that comes from, for me, and I don't preach that I'm very open minded. Everybody has to know turn on their own flashlight in this world and find their own path and what's true to them, but to know and value yourself and love and care about yourself. Again, it's not a conceited thing. You can't help and love others and really touch others and do all of this being of service and showing up authentically until you do that inner work and make sure you're good with you first.

Alex Ferrari 54:42
Oh my god, it took me so long to figure out that I needed to be loved by myself. No matter how many by the way, no matter how many people outside love you. Right? You talk

Patricia Stark 54:53
alone In a crowded room. You can be alone with a bunch of people that are close to you. And you know, I know what you're saying believe me

Alex Ferrari 55:00
Yeah, I mean, you've you've, you've worked with celebrities, you understand, like they're all day, every day. Everyone's like, I love you, I love you, I love you, I love you, I love you. And they, you know, many of them, obviously, are very well adjusted, but many of them are very lonely. And they have horrible, horrible inner voice, horrible stories, I've told them themselves. And you can see how that plays out in, in Hollywood, specifically, so many careers are destroyed because of that, and their lives are destroyed, let alone their careers because of that, but that's such a powerful statement that you really need to learn that you have to love yourself. You have to forgive yourself, for mistakes that you perceive that you've made. And that you're just trying the best you can in the scenario that you have been given. And if you compare yourself to people on Instagram, that's, they're all lying.

Patricia Stark 55:58
sizzle reel. That's our highlight.

Alex Ferrari 56:00
I mean, listen, like I could show off the best parts of my life too. And everyone's gonna think, wow, Alex has has it made. And that's not, that's just not the reality of life. So don't come. I love the Compare and despair. Because when you compare somebody else's journey to yours, is irrelevant. If at the end of the day, you leave this world, the same way you came in alone. No matter who loved you, no matter how many millions loved you, you know, when I first decided I discovered that in my own path. When Princess Diana died. I said, Oh my god, Princess Diana died. I was I was in my teens. I was in high school. And I'm like, Oh, my God, the world's gonna stop now. Right? Because she was arguably one of the most famous human beings on the planet. I know. It's probably John Lennon for other people. And Martin Luther King for the world kept going. And I was like, Oh, wait, this is just my own teenage mind going, oh, wait a minute. The world doesn't stop. I know, it's so basic now for you to hear this. But for a teenage young man to get that grasp like, it doesn't, it doesn't kind of matter, you, the world will keep going with or without you. So you need to figure out what's important to you. And not beat yourself up in this. And this is from someone who is my God, I was brutal with myself brutal in my lifetime. And only when I started to love myself and forgive myself for perceived mistakes, which they're not, they're just learning your lessons you're learning. I think it's such an important thing that you said,

Patricia Stark 57:39
Yeah. And I'm glad that you did, by the way. Wayne Dyer used to say, what you can't show to what ACOTA you can't beat yourself up because you did what you knew how to do at the time, the best that you could at the time. So any of us can look back with more learning and wisdom and things like that, and think we should have woulda coulda and all that other stuff. But you did the best that you could do with what you had and what you knew and who you were at the time. And I think having a growth mindset is so important. Because as soon as we have a fixed mindset, and we think, Well, this is all I'll ever be, or this is who I am, or Oh no, I'm just that way or this is just where I came from. And these are the cards that I was dealt and everything. We're telling yourself a lie. We are here to learn and to grow. And to continue that throughout our whole lives. I hope I continue learning in my 80s 90s Hundreds and I hope I keep developing as a human being and, you know, finding more ways to help it and serve others. And when you talk about that service mindset, boy, I mean, that really does change everything. You know, his studies show that people who volunteer, get sick, less get less disease, when we get out of our own muck and mire and we extend ourselves to others. And when you talk about Princess Diana and the world going on. For me, I remember this kind of epiphany that I had, where you know, you'd see, like this famous broadcast or movie star or you know, fill in the blank, whoever you think is like, wow, like that's the best of the best of who I want to be. And you know, when we have those moments of seeing them on the big screen or in the newspaper or on social media and everything, like we're just seeing, like a glimmer moment of that. And we think it's so such a big deal. But guess what, most of the time, people really, I hate to say this, but most people aren't thinking about them in their everyday lives. Most people are worried about I gotta take care of my family. I got to take care of my people I care about I put food on the table. There's goals that I want to reach those people I need to help you know, like, you can make such like a big hoopla out of how great you think other people's lives are because you think that they're all that and everybody's paying attention to them. Non stop. You know what now everybody's paying attention to what's important and what they care about in their own individual lives. And when you show like that, and you let people know that you care, and that you're there for them. And it's not the all about you show are all about me show. It's incredible how much people respond to you. Because everything right on what you're on, no matter what we're doing, everybody's really tuned into wi I fm. What's in it for me? How is this gonna impact my life? How is this going to help me in some way, maybe this is gonna inspire me for a minute or make me laugh for a minute or whatever. But then you know what, then I'm going back and they're doing their own thing. And they're like, forget about that, again, it's happening to what's important to each person that you're with. That's like the key.

Alex Ferrari 1:00:38
We'll be right back after a word from our sponsor. And now back to the show. And it's so fascinating, because, you know, again, you and I both been around the block a little bit. And so we've had a little bit of time on the planet. You know, we grew up with certain stars, who were the biggest thing in the world. And now, they're not relevant. And for many of those stars, it's really difficult high to get off of. So, I mean, I mean, I know nothing about Madonna, but I'm going to use Madonna as an example. Donna was the biggest star for a long time in the world. Like everybody knew Madonna. If I asked my girls who Madonna is, they would have no idea. And you're just like, first of all, I'm old. That's cool. not that cool. Secondly, if if if, and I again, don't know anything about Madonna, I'm just using her as an example. But if Madonna his whole life was based around the fame, the attention this the exterior, when they when that goes away? It's that's when that's when the metal is hitting the rock. That's the moment where you're like, what is it really, and that happens with one one hit wonders. happens with actors, it happens with musicians that happens with writers that happens with every name the field, you could be a star in that field. But when that moment is over, either by age or by circumstance, by society, just saying, that's it. What do you have left? And at the end of the day, you always have yourself who's in side you. And if you feel comfortable in that everything else really can fall away? Do you agree?

Patricia Stark 1:02:32
I 100%. Agree. And I feel like I keep saying 100% to you because I'm so like, there. It's like, let's let's back that up even more. So when I speak to young people's groups, I'm actually going to be doing a career day for teens at the end of the month. And they want me to talk about like, you as your brand. Like, what are your media? What? Do you want people to see you in the world? Who do you want to be in the world? And you didn't really think about that when you're younger? Because stuff doesn't necessarily go away anymore?

Alex Ferrari 1:03:01
Can you imagine if the internet would have been around?

Patricia Stark 1:03:03
Forget it. Forget it. I'm so glad there was video

Alex Ferrari 1:03:07
phones. So glad I was just going to Blockbuster.

Patricia Stark 1:03:11
So true. But like, think about now who they're comparing and despairing against when they're looking at these influencers, or these celebrities, or these all people that are making them feel like they're not enough because they're not them. I like to say to them, guess what, your kids aren't going to know who any of them are. But they're gonna know who you are. And the people you care and love are going to know about who you are. So everybody, all that right now, your kids really are going to be like who?

Alex Ferrari 1:03:42
But that's the thing, but that only only people who've been around and seen it can say, okay, like it took me a while before my girls figured out who the Beatles were Beatles, The Beatles, at the it all ends in all these influencers. Now, after that the next generation doesn't like to pick up the prior the prior generations stars, they want to have their own stars, their own influencers. So all these YouTube stars, I and by the way, I've actually worked with some of these YouTube stars. And they were hot for 10 years, eight years. But in the internet world, that's all like that's 100 years. And now they're struggling to stay relevant. Because they didn't think five years ahead or 10 years ahead. They're like, Dude, you're not going to be doing this for 20 more years. 30 more years. This is not a long term career here. You've got to figure unless you either adjust, pivot things out for yourself. You know, you can't I don't, I don't perceive myself in the next 50 years. Talking about filmmaking on a podcast. I might, I might, but I've pivot, but I do see myself in the next 50 years talking about spirituality mindset and body and health because that never goes away.

Patricia Stark 1:04:59
Right. I mean, there's nothing wrong with wanting to be these things that we all just mentioned. Absolutely. Having a goal and wanting to be at the top of your game absolutely are as you fill in the blank, right? But, and you just touched on it, always be evolving, always be turning into and growing into more. And the more that you can do that and serve others, the more that longevity happens, you know, I think about books that I've read, that really helped me grow into a person that I am today. And some of these books that I read were from the 1920s and 1930s 40s 50s. And they still had an impact on my life later. And that was one of the reasons that I wanted to try to give back by writing a book. And I hope to write more. And, you know, this was my first one, I don't know what I don't know, I hope I did a good job on it. But I hope to get better and have more out there and even do some for teens and things like that. But the point is, is that, you know, to always try to attach to your passion into what you're doing, if you're attaching how it can help others and touch their lives in some way. That is everlasting.

Alex Ferrari 1:06:08
Absolutely, absolutely, I would I will testify for you and that Amen. Because it's so it's absolutely so true. Because if you are being of service, truly, and not coming from a place of ego, that's everlasting. It truly, truly is. And if you are in that place, you will evolve naturally. Yes, you will, you will learn and you will grow like be Betty White. Like everyone should just be Betty White, you know, God bless her. She kept going until the almost age of 900. She was just about to turn 100 before she passed. And my god, she was doing stuff in her late 80s and early 90s. That was just like, What is going on? My daughters know who Betty White is. They love the Golden Girls. But can you imagine

Patricia Stark 1:07:01
that's a passion for her work. She was I mean, you'd see any documentary you talk to anybody. Everybody loved her because she treated people well. She was open and accessible. She loved animals, she lost, the love of her husband died, they had an amazing love story. And she still found a way to go on and overcome that, because of the way that she was with other human beings and the way that she would reach out and be there for others and just try to find a love for life in general.

Alex Ferrari 1:07:34
Now, I want to ask you, are you talking about natural remedies for natural confidence? remedies? Can you kind of just dabble a couple of minutes in? Yeah, well,

Patricia Stark 1:07:44
the reason that I wanted to do that is because you've we've all seen those movies where there's some like disease, or virus or something that's happening. And then somehow at the end, the day is saved because someone finds some natural flower growing in the forest that cures this, right. So I've always been fascinated by stuff like that. And

Alex Ferrari 1:08:02
we're waiting for that with this via this COVID I'm waiting for that,

Patricia Stark 1:08:05
from your lips to God's ears. I just have always been fascinated by that food and nature are healing. And that there is this thing that is kind of inherently in the world to help us if we only look for it. And we look in those secret places. So and who doesn't love a quick fix, that's not a medicine, or that's not an addictive thing or a vise like drinking or alcohol, whatever. So when I was writing the book, I started researching all of these different things because people would tell me things that they had up their sleeve before they would go out on stage or if they got nervous about this. So the way that it started was I worked by in the film Center building near Broadway and I would get in a lot of Broadway performers that wanted to transition to being in front of the cameras, maybe an FTM report or something like that, or a host. So we had these conversations, and they would all tell me that they were all eating bananas backstage before going out on the stage when they would have stage fright because they would still have stage fright because sometimes celebrities could be out their audience every day. They are trying to top their game constantly. So I learned that bananas because of their natural muscle relaxers and potassium have a way of calming people's nerves and they're portable and they last you could throw it in a bag. So I was like, Okay, that's a great one. So then I started telling clients about it. I had another friend that was going her sister was going through cancer treatments and she didn't want to take Xanax she didn't want to she was very kind of an organic person and her doctor started telling her about something called lemon balm. It's like a little tincture, a little oil that you put under your tongue and study show it acts like a natural Xanax. So then I tried that out and I was like, wow, this stuff works like if I even had to power sleep in a chair in the middle of a night. If I was doing an overnight it would take the edge off just enough to fall asleep so that I started saying I think this might help people for public speaking fear, started telling clients about it. I get great response saying that really took the edge off for me that really helped me. So then as I was writing the book, I just started to research more and more those natural foods and different types of herbs. So the book is is literally chock full of all kinds of remedies and things that are portable and easy and some of them are pretty delicious that we can do to either increase our melatonin isn't melatonin that helps us, I think yes, yeah, sorry. I'm thinking for a second right now that's melanin on our on our skin. But yeah, so so people just love that and it's something that's fun and people love food, so why not throw that in there and then I have natural mindset techniques of all internal exercises, little quick things that we can do to kind of lower heart rate stop that out of body experience that we feel and we're starting to get that physical reaction to anxiety that happens right before we're gonna step into the spotlight or do something that we're you know, we're putting a high price on.

Alex Ferrari 1:10:46
Yeah, the one thing I use my natural remedy for when I speak in public I'll tell you mine I'm sure it's in the book, but I was turned on to kava, the herb, the American Indian herbs, and they're like, cause like, it'll relax you I was like, Okay, let me let me try it. I found the one that in this I don't own this company have no stock in this company, but sprouts, the food chains that supermarket chain sprouts is. Kava is the most potent one I've ever taken. And it is one just just chills. It just takes that edge off. So when I go out to do public speaking, I'm fairly comfortable speaking in front of people, but you still. I mean, look, Henry Fonda threw up before every performance on Broadway, like, it's okay, you got to do what you got to do. So Cabo was for me was kava, and then if you're if you're really stressed out a little holy basil in there, and that'll nice little combo. I am not a doctor, please refer to a

Patricia Stark 1:11:48
doc. I like that, you know, like, check with your

Alex Ferrari 1:11:51
check your physician before you do anything like that. This is just my opinion.

Patricia Stark 1:11:55
I agree. I agree, you know, years ago, and a lot of people might not know who Helen Hayes is anymore. But she's has a hospital and a theater named after her. And I got to interview her when I was really young at my first job at local cable in upstate New York here. And I said to her gosh, I get so nervous. Going in front of the camera, I could feel the sweat pouring down the sides of my arm, like in broadcast news and everything. I said, What can you when you tell me, you know, how can you help me? And she looked at me and she was in her 80s At the time, she said, Honey, if I stopped getting nervous, put me in my coffin, because that means I'm done. And I was what like, I was like, really early 20s. I said, What are you talking about? And she said, if I didn't get that nerve, she was it would mean I didn't give a damn, I don't have the fire in my belly anymore. I don't have that, you know, that zest and that excitement for what I'm doing. And she's like, butterflies are good. It's just our job to make them fly in formation. And for us, it's against us. So now when I get that, who you know, I'm like, okay, it must mean it show time. It means the adrenaline's going, I'm gonna be sharp, I'm like lucky to be here. It's how we label it, we can call it nervous energy, or we can call it excited for the opportunity, energy. But that's why athletes keep upping their game, and doing like extreme sports sometimes. Because once you plateau. And you know, if you've labeled that as exciting and thriving, and I'm alive when I feel that feeling, because it is the same feeling when we call it anxiety. If we label it better, we will realize that it's there to help us sharp and to keep us on our game. Now I'm not talking about like really severe anxiety, or that's a whole other issue and show or psychologist and psychiatrist and medication when we need it. And you know, I've had to use it at different times in my life, when you know, I had a perfect storm or a meltdown or a tragedy or whatever, there's a place for all of these things. So I just want people to know that none of it is right or wrong. But whatever we can do to try to help ourselves, get through a situation or maybe get desensitized to it. Just don't run away from it. Because then you'll never it'll never level out for you.

Alex Ferrari 1:14:05
Now I'm gonna ask you a couple questions asked all my guests, what is your mission in this life?

Patricia Stark 1:14:12
So my mission is, the work that I'm doing now and that I hope to do more of is helping people to find their voice, to trust themselves to think the right thoughts so that they can communicate outwardly and reach their goals and be successful and have all of those things that they want, because I remember exactly what it's like to not have a voice to not have self confidence to not trust myself. And when I work with people, and they respond back to me that like literally sometimes people have said You changed my life. I started there. It's like sacred work like there is nothing that makes me feel more humbled, or that I'm on the right track. That when someone tells me that I've made that kind Have a difference in someone's life. And if I can do more of that and reach more people, that would be everything to me.

Alex Ferrari 1:15:08
And why are we here?

Patricia Stark 1:15:12
We are here to serve others. We are here to grow, we're here to learn. And I think we're here. If you really want to know from my perspective is that God touches the world through us, through our hands, through our voices through the way we connect and talk with each other. And everything comes down to love, doesn't it? Love,

Alex Ferrari 1:15:42
I would agree with you. And I agree with you 100%. And also that, when you discover that thing, that fingerprint purpose that you're here to touch the world with, life becomes much more content much more blissful, much more happy, less struggle, when you discover that path that you need to be walking. And it takes a minute, not everyone's lucky enough to pick it up at five. You know, it took me over four decades to figure it out. But when you find it, and you're truly happy, that's a good barometer. If you're truly happy doing what you're doing, and you find real contentment, and bliss, it's probably a good indication that you're doing what you're supposed to be doing. But you've got to look for that. And you got to find that, and I think you have, in your confidence work

Patricia Stark 1:16:27
You create it. I don't know a lot of people say got to find myself. No, you create yourself. And if you believe that you are power. And you know, to also know that even when you get to this place of contentment, and you feel that you are on a good path, and you found your calling and things like that, to also know, you're still going to have bad days, sometimes really dark lows and highs and valleys and hills and all those things. But after a certain amount of times that you have those highs and lows and ups and downs and you crash and burn and you recover. It gets easier to say, I know it's really hard right now I know I'm so discouraged. And I feel like I'm a failure. I feel like this is really bad right now, you get to a point where you can say, but I've been here before. And I know it's gonna get better.

Alex Ferrari 1:17:16
I agree with you 110%. Patricia has been an absolute pleasure talking to you. It's been a wonderful conversation. I hope it's helped a few people out there listening. So thank you for your work and and where can people find out more about you and your work?

Patricia Stark 1:17:29
Sure. Well, my website is Patricia stark.com. And then there's also a page for the book called Confidence book calm, it's word calm, like I'm chill, confidence calm. And then I'm on social media, Patricia star communications and my email address is Patricia at Patricia stark.com. I will answer your email I am accessible and I'm happy to talk to anybody that reaches out.

Alex Ferrari 1:17:50
I appreciate your Patricia. I thank you so much.

Patricia Stark 1:17:52
Thank you so much. I'm so much gratitude. And I just I'm so happy to be here with you today. Thank you again.

 

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