Maybe you are the one who always calls, always plans and always remembers. This story is for you.
Key Takeaways
- Notice who does the calling, planning and giving in your relationships.
- Scales often balance out over time, but sometimes they do not.
- Holding on past the sell-by date can turn into irritation.
- Learning to let go is a process. Noticing sooner is progress.
Did you ever notice that you’re the one who does all the calling, makes all the social arrangements, buys all the gifts, and cooks all the holiday dinners?
I don’t believe in keeping score because usually the scales balance out in the end. But, there are many times the scales don’t balance out and you’re the one who is making all the effort. It may take a long time, many years, in fact, to notice that the other person is making a minimum of effort if, at all, and once you realize that if you weren’t the one who was initiating everything, the relationship would cease to exist.
When it comes to relationships like that, I hold onto them much too long, way beyond their sell-by date until it reaches the point that it’s not only stupid but it’s a major source of irritation and I have to take action.
The first time I became aware of my silly behavior was forty years ago. My friend and I had always met for breakfast a few days before Christmas to catch up on things and exchange Christmas gifts. That year, finances were especially tight and I found myself doing all the calling, making all the effort and it really started to annoy me.
Money was very scarce that year and as I thought about buying her a gift with money I didn’t have, I made an executive decision. I went to a department store that had a good return policy and bought my friend a gift and then I wrapped it up and put it in the closet, determined that if she called me and asked to get together for our pre-Christmas breakfast and exchange of gifts, I would give her the gift I bought her but, if she didn’t call me, I would unwrap her present and return it to the store and get my money back.
She not only didn’t call me but it took fourteen years before I heard from her again, and that was only when she wanted something. The only justification I have for holding onto relationships so long is that I put a lot into every relationship and I hate to think that I had wasted it all on someone who didn’t deserve it.
It still takes me forever to end a relationship that doesn’t deserve to endure but at least it’s not taking me quite as long to do something about it.
My Christmas list is going to be much shorter this year because I don’t want to be the one who is making all the effort. And I say to myself,
“See? I’m learning. It didn’t take me quite as long this time to learn my lesson.”
Yet, old habits die hard.
If you would like schedule a counseling session with Connie go to: Book a Session with Connie
Written by Connie H. Deutsch
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Where to Go Next
If this story touched a nerve, these pages on Next Level Soul can keep you company.
- Kyle Cease on letting go of who you think you are. A free Mastery training on releasing old stories.
- The Power of Gratitude. Simple practices for a steadier life.
- Dark Night of the Soul. What to do when a season of loss feels heavy.
- Creating a Sacred Space at Home. A quiet corner for your own reflection.
- Spiritual Cinema: HEAL. A film about healing, with a guide to watching it.
- Spiritual Enlightenment. Our complete guide to the path inward.
Frequently Asked Questions
Why Do I Always Make All the Effort in Relationships?
Many of us give freely and assume the other person will do the same. It can take years to notice that you are the one starting every call and plan. Noticing is the first step.
Is It Selfish to Stop Being the One Who Reaches Out?
No. Stepping back is a simple way to see whether a connection runs both ways. You can stay kind while you wait and watch.
How Do I Know a Relationship Has Passed Its Sell-By Date?
One sign people describe is this. If you stopped initiating, the relationship would fade away. Another is feeling more irritation than warmth after you give.
Why Is It So Hard to Let Go of One-Sided Relationships?
We put a lot of ourselves into the people we love, and it hurts to think that effort was wasted. Letting go does not erase the love you gave. It simply stops you from giving it to someone who is not meeting you.
Can I Book a Session With Connie?
Yes. Connie H. Deutsch offers counseling sessions. Use the Book a Session with Connie link on this page to schedule one.
