Alex Ferrari 0:00
Tell me what your life was like before you died.

Jennifer Farmer 0:08
I grew up in the space you go to church, and so, you know, I had, my dad was a he was a periodic alcoholic. He would do a lot of binge drinking. And so at that time, you know, what was going on with me before that, I was like, Is this my life? Is this what it's supposed to be like? And I wanted my dad to get sober, and so I would do a lot of praying, you know, help dad. And I remember one time he went to church, I could see him. He was so uptight and he was sweating and, you know, and I know he was going there for my mom, but it's that my dad and I were very and what was going on before I died, is a lot of badness. I had been experimenting with drugs and alcohol and going my own rebellious path. So I experimented with other things. And you know, after a long week of weekend of partying, I had these great moments, though, when I was experimenting, or I would look up at the sky and I would know that I wasn't alone, even though I was doing, per se, what you're not supposed to do. There was nights I would felt very austistic. You know, I would have this moment where I'd be like, I know there's something bigger than this, than where we are. I know we weren't born to suffer. I know we weren't created to be bad. I don't understand it. So I had those moments where those lucid moments, where I would be sort of coming to from a long weekend of partying, and I would be like, I know there's something better. I know there's something deeper. And you know what I'm thinking, is going to work? Is not working. I was living with my dad at the time, and living with my dad was quite fun. It was 1942 in our household, so every time we come in, he'd have his and I think about this now with with joy, because I love my dad, but it's also the effects of PTSD. And so his truck driver friends would be there playing dominoes, and it would be 1942 in my house. And so they would be talking about the war, and they would, you know, you would hear this re recreation of the war in my house and and then they depending on how drunk things got, you know, and then by the end of the day that everybody would just pass out. But when I was living in that space, even God came into me, in that space where you would think that there was no God and just suffering. It had been a long weekend of no sleep. I was aching, so I went to my mom's cabinet, where all the medication was probably they had already gone to work. So I snuck in when, after nobody was there. Now mind you, I was always on the lookout, because my brother's a policeman whom I love and respect, but he had, he had no patience for me, so I had to make sure the coast was clear to go home and crash. And so I after I figured it was safe to come in, I just took whatever pills that were in the cabinet, and I just need to go to sleep. I had zero. I just started. This looks good. This looks good if it said, makes you drowsy. That's what I picked. And what I know is they found me on the front lawn. My brother had to revive me. He was a cop in the area that I lived in, and I went to treatment. They took me to the hospital, and I woke up in the hospital from just taking some pills and going to sleep in that moment when I woke up, I had had probably, and I can't really equate just to moments and times, but it felt like long seconds where I was in a tunnel, and it's like the sort of the clouds parted, you know, and I felt sort of called, and really at peace and whole. And it wasn't the all the trauma that I had been experiencing. I felt whole and pure, like I was walking, a walking being of light. And I remember mentally when I could feel this sort of pool coming back to hearing beeps and things like that. And I said, God, I cannot go back there. This is this is not the place for me. This is wrong. You've got to I don't want to go back. Please don't make me go back. That's exactly what I said. It didn't feel like days, but it felt like eternity. It felt like a place where there was no time. It felt like where it was just energy. There was no door, it was just no time.

Jennifer Farmer 4:13
But I 100% going through the tunnel was amazing, and then there was this sort of tunnel of light. Again, I can't relate to time, whether that was minutes or hours, I have zero clue. I remember having feeling that love, that love, what we call love. It's love beyond supernatural in many ways. And I felt the presence of God, a loving presence, not necessarily human, but I could relate to this presence in English. I could relate to it with a vocabulary in my head that I could have a conversation. So, you know, I always thought Jesus would of course, I'm Christian, so I've still got the Christ light within me. I always call myself a Christian on the fringe, literally, because I still keep my roots of love and devotion and love and service. I do, you know, doing. To others. There's a lot of that will stay with me, but you know that, knowing that time, I can't really give you exactly how much time I was there, I just know that I clearly had a negotiation with God. Oh, this is God. I've got to have a conversation. But what was interesting is I could feel coming back into my body, and that's why I started to have a negotiation, is because I could, that's 100% that's exactly what happened. I go, Oh, we're going back. Oh, God, this is not the pet, no. It was like, oh, things are peaceful. I'm whole. I feel like, where I'm supposed to be, and then I feel this vacuum. I was like, oh, and that's when I started to beg, literally, please. So at the end of the tunnel, it felt like an open space, a void, but the void, it didn't feel like what you and I would it wasn't empty. It was a void, but it wasn't empty, it was filled with the energy. And I always think about the stars in many ways, like this, because in the stars, they have, you know, between all the stars in the sky, they have an aura, and they have a light. That means there's a star, but there's no void. There's space between those stars. I was in the aura of this light. It's what it felt like for me. And so it didn't feel empty. It didn't feel alone. Wasn't purgatory. I didn't, you know, I didn't have it. I didn't say, Oh, you've reached now. Look what you've done. You've not surrendered. And slowly I woke up, and there's my mother, who was scared to death. I was mad. And, you know, I'd like to say that after I left that experience, I got clean and sober and all was perfect in that world. But that's not what happened. It took a long time for me to come together, but that moment of feeling that unconditional love and that moment of being on the other side, it felt like a lifetime that I'd never want to leave so much that I mentally was negotiating with God, saying, This is where I'm supposed to be, right here, that moment I know gave me three years later that that near death experience didn't have that much of an impact on me immediately, but three years later, my dad died, it was very hard on me. I had had put together some sobriety at that time, and I'd probably been a year sober, and when he died, all bets were off. I remember, it was New Year's Eve, actually, and it was Texas New Year's Eve. It's cold and rainy and and I got nowhere to go. I can't go home to my mom and but I'd come to a place in my life where I wanted to die. I couldn't bear being in the physical world. It was too painful. It was too lonely. Again. I processed it. It was nine months after my dad died. I was walking down the road. I said, God, look, I can't keep this sobriety together. I don't want to live here. I'm trying to have a job and do all the right things. But the truth is, my dad is not here with me. And I said, I can't live with my mother. And I said, I'm just going to jump out in front of the next car that passes. It's raining, it's 30 degrees outside, and I was really, I was fixing, I mean, this is a highway I'm just fixing to step off. And I went to step off, and a van stopped behind me and asked me, Do you need help? And I was probably five miles from my godmother's house, whom I had seen. This is why I know even when we think life is terrible and it's sucking, it's not going our way that there are angels along the path that love us, whether they're teachers neighbors, these were they were my godmother. Was my neighbor, and I was five miles from there. I said, Just take me to Betty's house. I said, Betty, I got to figure out my life. And she said, You can stay here. And I started to put to my life together. And then at that moment, though, when I knew I had that feeling, it's kind of like when I told, God, I was stepping off. I'm done with this. Because by that time, I had already tried to drink and use myself like I tried to mix things together so I would just die. Now, even though I looked like I was having a good time, my plan was to get gone that moment when I stepped off, I was talking to that near death person that I felt I was I wanted to go back there. And I said, Wherever you are, like, this is it. I'm I'm done. And when that van stopped, it's like that. I kind of paid attention to that. I went I did get help. I am getting help now. What am I going to do with it? And so that gave me that, knowing that all back then, it started to come together for me, that something bigger than me wanted me to stay here, that it was something good in me, that needed to be a purpose. And that's what I did. It's what I've done ever since, is I have put my life on a higher plane, and through that time when my gifts started to awaken, which I'm going to say, I think that was better for me as an adult, because obviously I couldn't have handled any more gifts so that there were periods that I know that I processed. That. And I know that time in the light, whatever charge, whatever beautiful energy frequency that is, I know that when the time came with enough intention, and I'm going to call it virtuous goals, I wanted to do something good for others, that my life, apparently me living for myself was not good plan, that I needed to devote my life to helping others, that that came together, and then my sort of, my gift, started to awaken in a very safe and comfortable way, began to read people's energy and not be afraid. I used to be able to I would know things at work, and people would come and talk to me, and people started talking to me about their life and things would come to me as they did, from a different, higher version of myself. And I think I love the fact that you use the term Higher Self, because I do believe that if we have education around that, if we understand what that is, that our life can change categorically for the better, and the most powerful life that we can be if we're in our higher self. And it was through this sort of follow the breadcrumbs, through a lot of drama, and, you know, suffering and pain and but with the determined to know you want to do something good for yourself, then those gifts started to unfold like a lotus flower the spiritual path, per se, I really still was on a mission to die, honestly, because I just didn't see how to be happy and do that. Now that's one thing that stuck with me. I go that nobody else is meant to judge, that even though, if you go to the church, that's all they do, you're not doing and so I knew that if I could create a relationship with God, that was a loving God like what I had felt, that that was going to be my answer. I can't tell you how logically I knew that. I just knew it. And I think that we can learn that from spirituality. Same thing with us choosing to move beyond our religious upbringing. We look at they who we want to be like. And I think that's the gift in our in our souls path that, yes, we do have suffering. So I think that, you know, for people that are have gone through trauma, there's always there is a reason behind that, because their souls are meant to bring help and hope and healing to other people, to their divine qualities. So trying to see the best in situation isn't just positive thinking. I think it's a spiritual discipline. Sometimes we spend half of our lives finding out that we're not bad, that we're beautiful beings.